A few months back, I was introducing myself to the dad of one of Ryans pre-school friends. I know his (the father) parents from our church. As I was introducing myself, and told him I was in Women's Bible Study with his mom, his response was, "my mom, isn't she the greatest, she's the bomb". I know his mother, and yes, she is the bomb. So I guess when I grow old, I don't want my kids to call me beloved, I want to be called "the bomb". No one can accuse me of not being relevant to our culture.
You know (my Wisconsin accent coming through here), it was one of those moments in life, pretty obscure on the surface, but it has REALLY stuck with me. Here is a grown man, with children of his own, and he calls his mom the bomb. Oh, how I want that from my sons. I really need to tell Sue, my friend this. She may not find it as pleasing as beloved, but I think she'll get the point.
I'm not driven to have my children adore me, or seek their approval, but I do want to raise boys that honor their mother. I think those boys are the ones that make the finest husbands and fathers. It starts right now, when Steffen's attitude is quite sassy and irreverent towards me. I'm caught in the quandary to disipline him or is this task for his father? I think the latter. It not only shows that his attitude will NOT BE TOLERATED towards his mother, but also that his mother's husband does not take too kindly to anyone speaking to his wife that way. Get the distinction? Right now we have the luxury/burden of having Dan home all day long, so he's right there in the thick of it, often hearing the exchange by his 7 year old son. I so often just want to whip him (Steffen, not Dan) across the room when he responds to me in such a manner - "the unmitiaged gall" (quote from the Grinch - a favorite in our home)....how dare he speak to me that way. It sends me into orbit every single time, yet I know we've allowed it to get to this point, and it has to stop, or we have a long road in front of us.
Thoughts? What has been your experience, and how did you deal with it? Poorly?
Hello my friend. Glad you now have a blog. :)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about that sassy 7 year old boy (as I have a just turned 8 year old boy I'm dealing with). ;) I agree that when the husband is around, it is an awesome display for him to jump in and protect his wife "Don't you talk to my wife that way". I think this isn't something that a wife can force her husband to do - but something to pray for that her husband would desire to teach that to his son(s).
I've certainly had MANY times of dealing poorly with the attitude my sons give me. One helpful thing with the older son as been TRYING to stay calm and say to him "That was not honoring to me or to God and I don't appreciate being spoken to that way." Of course, sometimes that has an impact on his heart and behavior and sometimes it doesn't.
I'm praying for you! :)
Good topic for discussion, Amy!
ReplyDeleteMy thought is that for most of it, the rude, sassy talk is happening when Dad is nowhere in sight. And, probably Dad won't enter the picture until much later on at the end of the day when the teachable moment is long gone. I have a no-tolerance-for-sas policy. Any time any of my kids roll their eyes, talk back (like say, 'No it's not!' when I just said the contrary), we head to the dining room with the wooden spoon.
A few days before we left for Ethiopia, I was particularly driven to extract the attitude out of Henry and I think he got 3-4 spankings in a matter of a few hours. It worked, though. I am not getting it from him anymore.
All our kids go through phases where they are pushing the limits, exploring who's in charge and checking to see that the authority we claim to have over them is still intact. I truly believe it's a security thing-- they actually crave to know that someone is head over them-- that the umbrella of authority is intact as they hope it is. When we show them that our authority remains solid, (by a much needed spanking sometimes) I believe they walk away with a sigh of relief, that all is well with their little world.
Letting things slide in the area of respect starts a watershed of other disobedience, I've noticed. As I have failed to address their respect for me at times, I see all kinds of other ugly behaviors surface.
So, Amy, let him know how much you love him and show him you are still the Mom-to-be-revered. He'll love you for it later : )
Dear Amy,
ReplyDeleteGreat questions, tough subject. Really what we want is to change a heart and that happens in so many different ways for different children. We definitely have that going at our house too, it is just with the one who is younger. It is such a toss up between asking them for a respectful response and really seeing it come from the heart. She can be made to respond respectfully but I know that she may not really obey or that it is totally forced out of fear of consequences. So guiding the heart is such a fragile thing and who can know a heart? I beg for wisdom always and pray each night for the heart of a servant for my girls. We can keep searching and keep asking for insight and wisdom, "Ask of God who gives generously and without reproach." I used to be so good at staying calm when I taught school, not that they are actually mine the shock of some responses sends me too! Thanks for sharing your heart, I know every mom will encounter this situation at one time or another. There is a book called, "You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded." It is written by a strong willed child who grew up to be a strong christian women. She thought her parents did a good job raising her. She has some insight into the heart and the why of how the will comes out. I really liked the book. Any one else read that one?
Love, Penny
Hi Amy, One thing to keep in mind is the importance of positive modeling right after a rebuke. So, for instance: "That was not the right way to speak to me. Let's try this: Mom, can I finish what I'm doing before I clean that up? (He must be instructed that no is a possibility.) It helps if this is done with a positive and hopeful attitude towards him, something I sometimes struggle with. Love hopes the best, which is that he is capable of growing up to be a wonderful young man, with a little instruction.
ReplyDeleteEnjoying your blog, Amy. I love the blogging world so much. I think it can be a priceless tool that allows us as Mama's to connect with others and express our minds. (Something other than "no" and reminding little ones to use their manners!)
ReplyDeleteFeel free to check out my blog too.
Thanks ladies. See, you guys are the greatest. I appreciate all the insight. Beth - so true, this is generally just the tip of the iceberg as things start to unravel in the home. Amazing how really, we are given pretty good indicators (from our childrens behavior) when our lives get out of whack. Having Ryan home all week, recovering from a cold has brought upon LOTS of challenges in my little social butterfly, who has not been able to socialize this week. We just have to be in tuned to the heartbeat of our home, and know when it is time to give the attention they are craving, or the disipline they also crave (so so true Beth) Leslie, I like how you put it, love hopes the best. Penny, thanks for the book. I"ve also considered re-reading shepherding a childs heart. I do know it's the heart, not the behavior, I should be concentrating on. With S, he is very capable, and does behave very appropriately to teachers and others - so I know the behavior does not need to be honed, it's his heart and what's going on in there. GOod stuff ladies - things I can go to prayer with. I know God delights in helping me(us) with our struggles.
ReplyDeleteWhen Alek was away at school in the Dominican Republic for two years I attended monthly parent meetings in Indiana that I drove to from MI. The director of the school would always teach on some topic and often it was parenting skills. I learned so much from him. I thought I would share this. Not sure that it entirely relates to what you were saying but there is 'something' in Dad teaching them while they are young that they're mom is his wife and will be respected. I have been reminded this week that so often things go wrong in families because of powers and principalities, essentially spiritual warfare between the good and evil. Our job as parents is to pray/chase away the evil powers and help our children draw out the good. The goal is to provide the child with power to overcome their self, and giving (serving) unconditionally to someone else helps this occur. These are some of the things I have learned through the years....
ReplyDeleteA. The father's role is to help the child learn to control the spirit within him by making sure he is always unconditionally giving to someone else (usually the mother - making her happy and later the wife) or possibly outside service.
B. The mother's role is as the emotional thermostat of the family. She must show respect to the husband while caring for and loving the family. This is hard as Beth says we miss those teachable moments when our husbands are away at work. I have always been taught that during the Abecedarian years it is okay to take that authority with our children, spank, punish whatever needs to happen to correct the behavior. As they reach ages 9 and older it is time to start turning that over to dad. They are old enough to understand the consequence later that evening. It is dad's authority that will change their hearts. We show respect to our husbands by allowing this to happen.
C. The child's roles is to "Honor your father and mother that it might go well with you."
D. Finally, it is also the mother's responsibility to "let go", this applies mostly when they are older but it begins about age nine. We as mom's often fear releasing our children to the world because we realize that our children are their own worst enemy. However, children must learn to overcome them selves. Truly, we moms have no option but to to trust our children because when they are away, they will do what they want. We want them to be able to talk eye-to-eye about it rather than to lie about it. We cannot take our children's problems as our problems. They make their own decisions.
So, I realize I am looking at the end from the beginning here...but sometimes you have to do that in order to come up with a solution that will work for years to come and form and shape them into the kind of people we hope and pray for.
You are all wonderful moms and I feel privileged to be a part of this forum and get such great advice. Thank you Amy for inviting me.